Hello, I have been very hesitant to share my truth and ask for support during this time while I have been recovering from toxic shame due to harming sexually as a child and my monster complex; however, after seeking guidance and permission to fight for myself, I figured I would at least give it a try…
From 2016 to 2022, I have been organizing with a sex workers rights group; I took a break in 2021 because my unmetabolized trauma from surviving CSA, severe child abuse and harming as a child was cropping up and toxically impacting my fellow comrades. Over the course of my volunteer-ship, I helped raise $150k for our organizing and never paid myself due to my intense toxic shame and desire to be punished.
Near the end of 2021, the person I harmed as a child reached out and asked if I could come back and help organize; I told them that I was taking a break but could support if they really wanted me to come back. So, in 2022, I came back and continued where I had left off.
During our 1st meeting, it was decided that I would be paid $5k for the work I had not been paid for since a grant from OSI had $5k unaccounted for and our funders encouraged us to pay ourselves; this decision was voted and agreed upon by current members - who stated that they never felt harmed by me and appreciated the work I contributed over the last 4 years.
Unfortunately, shortly after the meeting, I got into a physically violent dispute with the person I harmed where they declared that I should “kill myself” or “turn myself to the police”; two years ago, they declared that they would beat me up and down the streets of our city if I didn’t leave.
So, this year, I decided that I should leave and allow them to engage organizing spaces without the fear of running into me, the person who harmed them as a child; it was my hope to use the $5k that I worked for to help me pay for my housing, pets care, moving expenses and my bills instead of increasing my volume as a full service sex worker to quickly make ends meet.
I also quit my job due to manifestions from living with MDD, GAD and C-PTSD.
Before I could claim the monies that I worked for, the national board revoked my access to the bank account, declaring that I am a danger to community, they are keeping community safe, there would be no community accountability process and if I contacted them again, it would constitute as harassment of their black leadership.
Mind you, I am a black, queer woman from immigrant parents displaced from the native country due to imperialism.
Additionally, in my years of supporting the sex workers rights movement, I never, ever have been accused of misappropriating monies or not delivering services; however, I recently found out that a board member on the national organization was recently publicly lambasted for misappropriating funds, not executing services to trafficking survivors by 5 organizations - and she is an older white woman.
Due to my recovery from toxic shame, I had accepted this punishment - the withholding of $5k - and thought that I would be able to muster the emotionally energy to reduce my sex worker prices, increase my volume to cover my bills; however, I was severely mistaken.
I do not have the emotionally capacity to be fucked by at least 16 men; additionally, the market is really hard for dark skin queer present women right now. To be practical, I have put up some ads in the hope that I will be able to make some monies but I haven’t really been getting any clients.
I say all of this to say that I need financial support; I don’t have the emotionally support to challenge a national organization because I know most people treat people who have sexually harmed children like shit - even if I was a child/teenager and was also sexually abused; I haven’t committed sexually harm in 12 years and have been actively going to therapy to address the manifestions of C-PTSD.
Please, if you have anything to spare to help me during this time, it would be much appreciated; you can message me privately for further information. I am not making any of this up; I have been struggling to ask for support since January 15th but as my bills keep piling up and I am seeing little to no clients, I figured the least I could do was ask for help - thank you for engaging this post and considering my request.