I need some serious help i think

Is it bad that I still slightly have feelings for the dude who did groom me? Is it just my mental illnesses? On one hand I feel like I’m gonna hurl when I think of him, and I get panic attacks. On another hand, I crave for that feeling again. I don’t know what to do about it.

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I don’t think that you are “in love” with your groomer, but rather feeling lonely now that the attention is gone. It’s important to realize this. It’s also why people like you end up in situations like this, because groomers are aware when someone is lonely, so they give you as much attention as possible and gain your trust.

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Just take a deep breath. Relax. And try to think about things rationally and objectively.

What you’re experiencing is something a lot of abuse survivors go through, and it’s something I went through with my abuser, who was someone I looked up to, because his actions made me feel gross or “sinful”.
I didn’t feel attraction, but I desperately wanted to understand what was happening to me and if I should be concerned.

What helped me cope and heal was realizing that my abuser is no longer a part of my life, nor are they a necessary part of it. Their actions affected me, harmed me, and maybe even changed me, but they did not own me, nor did they define me.
It was through a weird… sort of self actualization that helped me gain the confidence to regain control of that part of me, which of course meant that I needed to confront those feelings in some way without involving my abuser.

This is something a therapist could help out with, but talking about it helps.

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I do feel extremely lonely without him. It’s like an emptiness feeling.

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I’m honestly scared to bring it up with my therapist

This. For the most part, humans require validation of some sort.

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Talking about it is the first step. Break the chains.

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Yeah, I guess you’re right.

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I had/have a massive crush on Nino (my groomer)
I felt lonely without him, two/three months after our initial encounters when he reactivated on Twitter I sought him out again to beg him to talk

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Not trying to deny your feelings, but sounds odd that in the same line you say you have feelings for someone that you recognise is taking advantage of those feelings (not like in the movies, that’s for sure).

A ‘power dynamic’ is clearly relevant. I notice that people often talk of a “predator’s” motivation that they have a need to seek to dominate and control the lives of their victims. What is never talked about is how perhaps, sometimes, the victims also can have a desire to make themselves feel vulnerable. Idiots are likely to suggest that this comment is an example of “victim blaming”, which would only be true if it weren’t for the fact this only (well, usually at least) comes about after the predator has created the environment that creates these feelings in the first place. However, it seems Annie Lennox was familiar with these dynamics when she wrote ‘Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)’ -
“Some of them want to abuse you.
Some of them want to be abused.”

However, my honest wishes to both yourself and Sunflower might be best expressed if I link this instead…

Idk what you mean by “odd.” Why is it odd?

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Well, as I say, I guess “in the movies” you get the stereotypical plot where: as soon as the “heroine” finds out how manipulative and controlling the (usually) male antagonist is, they become visibly hostile to that person.

At the same time, I’m well aware that human beings are far more “irrational” than how they’re often depicted in the movies.

My crush started after I realized he was being manipulative.

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