Hi. I’m not a MAP, but I do support the broad legalization and availability of loli/shota hentai. I’ve also worked with individuals with said desires such as yourself, and I’m confident in my ability to discuss these things with you.
First of all, there’s nothing wrong with lolicon. There have been studies on the effects of violent pornography, and even child pornography viewing and consumption and potential “ill effects” of simply viewing. (with the exception of CSAM being itself child abuse).
In sum, the majority consensus is that consumption of pornography is harmless, with little to no outside effect. A correlation exists between individuals who may commit acts of violence or sex crimes against minors, but it’s so negligible in the grand scheme of things that it’s hard, if not impossible, to consider it a causal relationship.
What you’re feeling is guilt brought about by shame and anxiety about your desires and your confidence in your ability to control them. Art and fiction have absolutely zero ill effects on society at large.
Consider the literature cited in this thread:
In addition to:
http://www.hawaii.edu/PCSS/biblio/articles/2005to2009/2009-pornography-acceptance-crime.html
This is anxiety-induced paranoia backed up by insecurity. There is absolutely zero evidence that the consumption of these works will contribute to, or create/induce attitudes favorable towards real-world CSA or child pornography. Consider the argument: speech and expression are reflections of attitudes and ideals already shared or had by people, rather than exclusive attempts at disseminating or creating them by reaching new audiences. If these attitudes are indeed prevalent in communities that consume these materials, then that only begs the question that they induce aggression or proclivity necessary to qualify as a “risk factor” when evaluating sexual abuse. As observed by Diamond et al, the availability and high consumption of these materials had not translated into an increased rate of crime or abuse.
Countries such as Japan and Denmark seem to have a grip on these issues by adopting liberal approaches to the content, rather than exacerbating anxiety by taking action against it.
Also, the argument that loli/shota can be used for grooming is not a good one. In Ashcroft v. Free Speech Coalition, the SCOTUS acknowledged that anything can be used to groom or seduce minors, from pornography depicting adults, to candy, games, toys, money, etc. Just because it can be unfortunately misused is not a valid reason for banning it.
Sometimes, the argument is as simple as that. People feel like they shouldn’t have to conduct themselves in a more limited fashion or live with less freedoms just because of how the content is presented by “less favorable actors”, especially knowing that the material or content itself is harmless. I agree with this notion because I shouldn’t have to limit what kinds of anime I can watch or what kinds of fiction I can read just because someone who was already prone to criminal acts so happened to view/consume it. It’s like banning Doom because of Columbine.
What “moral responsibility” is there to bear if there isn’t any real harm? Why put yourself under that type of guilt or stress when it’s not warranted?
I’m not a MAP, but I am a CSA survivor.
It’s great that you’ve managed to overcome your desires with counseling and therapy. I personally know people who have had sexual desires such as yours and were able to cope using both loli/shota hentai and counseling, and to this day they all regularly consume it and have not committed a sex offense. It can be very helpful, especially if reconciling your desires via the cathartic and personal acts of self-pleasure are important to you. It’s important to know that different people cope differently.