Feeling depressed

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I’m feeling a deep depression as of late that I can’t seem to shake. I’m thinking about quitting my job that I’ve been at 10+ years. It’s a dead end job. It means nothing to me. I just don’t know where else to go or what else to do. I have no friends because I’ve never let anyone get close to me because I don’t want anyone to know about my minor attraction. I have no wife, no kids. I’m middle-aged. I feel lost and alone. Lately I’ve been crying myself to sleep.

I want to get into photography but I don’t know if I’ll ever be good enough to make money from it. I bought myself an expensive digital camera and signed up for some classes. But I’m not too optimistic. Most of my dreams never go anywhere.

I’ve been thinking about how I really don’t have much life left. I don’t want where I am now to be my ultimate destiny. I’d like to be in a better place when I make my final stand. I feel like I have to let go of everything. I have to make changes even if I don’t know exactly where I’m going. I just need to get away from where I am now. It’s killing me.

Then I think maybe I should just end it all now and stop trying. The world hates me anyway. If people knew about my minor attraction they’d all want to kill me. Maybe I should let them.

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Creating these arbitrary milestone for “change” is part of the problem. Its not the case the grass is actually greener on the other side of fence, and it’s definitely not the case that the grass is greener everywhere except where you happen to be right now.

And it doesn’t matter if the grass is greener, you’ll acclimate and get back on the hedonic treadmill in no time. It doesn’t matter if you stand on higher ground, as there will always be an even bigger picture that you are meaningless relative to. Your mind will never give you satisfaction if you play its game.

“Whoever reaches his ideal transcends it eo ipso.”

― Friedrich Nietzsche, [Beyond Good and Evil]

The world isn’t happy, sad, hopeful, or miserable, the world simply is. We can be those things however, because we don’t experience the world as simply it is, but through our own lenses of abstraction and interpretation. Looking at anything through a cloudy lenses will give you a cloudy image. See a psychiatrist, see if you could benefit from medication, sometimes you need something outside of the interpretive aspect of your mind to truly change it.

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