I can barely live with myself

[Anonymous500]

Hello, if you are reading this I thank you, recently every day for me has been a fight to stay in this world.

I think it is important to note that I am not attracted to children, though I have since a very young age engaged with lolicon material and over time consumed increasingly taboo porn.

A couple years ago I was experimenting with generating NSFW images with ai, and I for a reason I am fairly sure was similar to morbid curiosity, it was so long ago its hard to remember why, I one time generated realistic images of children. I didn’t think I could be causing harm by doing that but now I feel unsure, though the truth is I am not sure why it bothers me so much, maybe because I feel like I can never tell anyone.

I cannot remember if I simply generated nude images of children or if they were in a sexual context.

It bothers me deeply and incredibly now, and I am struggling everyday. I cannot get therapy without being reported, unless I move to another country.

I tried to get help from the online anonymous therapy from Germany but it seems like they are not running it anymore.

I have been able to get some help from helplines (very thankfully) but I feel it might not be enough.

I have also before looked through many sketchy websites online and one time came across a site with clothes kids in sexy poses or outfits, I looked at those images and did not immediately click of in disgust and I am paranoid now what that says about me.

I have never searched out CSAM, and I do not want to. But recently I did make the poor choice of searching for erotic content on youtube, in which I was genuinely looking for basically feet videos of adults, and I accidentally watched a video of a child, I cant remember how long it took me to realize it was a child and I am paranoid I further victimized that kid. as I didnt think much about it until several weeks later, and am now paranoid about what I did while watching the video, how I watched it without realizing it was a kid, etc, as I don’t remember the details. I have reported the video.

I want to talk to someone in real life about it, but I feel it is legally risky and I also dont want to lose a friend, I feel like even my partner would be disgusted with me and leave me. but I also cannot find a way in my mind to forgive myself and move on from it. I also do not struggle with my porn usage, I did use it as a way to cope with anxiety in the past but I have now completely stopped and am able to do that easily, I do not miss it and I am not scared I will do further harm, I just do not know how to live with myself.

I think most people in my situation would not think much about it and move on with their life, but am constantly being hit with waves of guilt, shame, disgust and anxiety.

If you have any insight, I would appreciate it, thank you for reading.

[Chie]

Sounds like a textbook case of POCD.

@Anonymous500

A couple years ago I was experimenting with generating NSFW images with ai, and I for a reason I am fairly sure was similar to morbid curiosity, it was so long ago its hard to remember why, I one time generated realistic images of children. I think it is important to note that I am not attracted to children, though I have since a very young age engaged with lolicon material and over time consumed increasingly taboo porn.

Rule of thumb is to refrain from using AI tools to generate hyper-realistic images that appear child-like, though, depending on the laws of your jurisdiction, non-realistic images may be allowed.

There’s nothing wrong with loli/shota material - just because you like it doesn’t necessarily mean that they would mean that you have an interest in actual minors. There are plenty of people who get off to the perceived taboo of this type of material, and for others, that can mean different things to different people.

But it’s important to note that regardless of how ‘taboo’ something might be, if it involves the lack of consent of an adult party or the involvement of an actual minor participant, then that goes beyond subjective taboos and is just harmful. There are things that might be taboo but are harmless, and not taboo but harmful. It’s best to align your interests and the content you choose to consume with that. That way you can live ethically.

@Anonymous500

It bothers me deeply and incredibly now, and I am struggling everyday. I cannot get therapy without being reported, unless I move to another country.

I tried to get help from the online anonymous therapy from Germany but it seems like they are not running it anymore.

I have been able to get some help from helplines (very thankfully) but I feel it might not be enough.

If you’re able to find help, then that’s a start. But you need to sort out these insecurities with yourself if you’re going to be able to control your anxieties. As someone who has struggled with OCD (but not POCD) this can be extremely difficult. Thoughts become compulsions and you can’t help but overly obsess over certain things. This can be challenging for anyone struggling with this - but the key thing that helped me was fighting my need to be reassured by not doubting or dismissing facts that would satisfy them.

You’ve already stated that you lack an interest in minors, but can’t help but obsess over the ‘what if’. You’re more than welcome to ask questions here or with myself or others in DMs if you’re unsure.

@Anonymous500

I have never searched out CSAM, and I do not want to. But recently I did make the poor choice of searching for erotic content on youtube, in which I was genuinely looking for basically feet videos of adults, and I accidentally watched a video of a child, I cant remember how long it took me to realize it was a child and I am paranoid I further victimized that kid. as I didnt think much about it until several weeks later, and am now paranoid about what I did while watching the video, how I watched it without realizing it was a kid, etc, as I don’t remember the details. I have reported the video.

It wasn’t intentional and you’ve refrained from (and continue to do so) and that’s okay.

@Anonymous500

I think most people in my situation would not think much about it and move on with their life, but am constantly being hit with waves of guilt, shame, disgust and anxiety.

Even MAPs have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of so long as they express their desires and interests in a way that does not implicate or harm people. That’s why outlets are so important - they allow people to reconcile their desires with the fact that they must not be acted out beyond the context of fantasy.

But as I said - based on what you’ve said so far, you’re not a MAP.

[0x7c8]

I have never searched out CSAM, and I do not want to.

This is probably the most important part about your disposition on the matter.

It is important to remain in this general mindset.

Contrary to how you may feel, I do not see anything wrong, other than the inner conflict with the question of morality in and of itself.

You have already cleared your stance, as quoted.

[Anonymous500]

I appreciate you pointing that out.

I have been doing quite a bit better since posting this but it still does bother me on and off, though not quite as bad.

I already have anxiety to begin with though and I think now its more so my anxiety latching onto this situation rather than the situation bothering me in of itself.

I appreciate you pointing out the value of that stance though, I will keep it in mind. The thing still bothering me the most lately is the AI images I generated that one time, but mostly because I just find it a very shameful mistake I made rather than being tortured by guilt or questioning myself for why I did it, which is a much better place to be in.

Thanks everyone for the replies, please feel free to leave more advice if you feel so inclined.