It's Only Bad When The East Does It?

You are doing nothing wrong. Petite porn is the best! You are ok, you are not a monster.
But I support you doing whatever you need to do to feel better, even if it means staying away from porn while you recover. Recovery is priority. I wish you the best.

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I’ve seen those who argue against lolis on the basis of it promoting abusing children turn out to be the same ones that prey on real kids or watch actual CP.

I don’t know what goes on in their heads, but I suspect a lot of self-loathing is going on there.

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This is guilt, which isn’t always rational. As long as you aren’t trying to meet up with kids or view content made by exploiting children, you haven’t done anything wrong.

And please get professional help if you’re at risk of harming either others or yourself.

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So I really AM a time bomb. Only a potential molester would rally this hard against loli…

At least, if we go by the pattern…

No, what he is saying is that you have nothing to worry about as it is just fiction. You have this negative internal dialog about loli because of guilt caused by external factors. Those people who rally against lolis in public are doing it for another reason: virtue signaling. And often, virtue signalers signal virtues to hide vices they have and are not proud of. It’s often a distraction tactic.
You do not want to hurt anyone and you will not. Because fiction is just fiction.
I have looked at lolis for more than 10 years. It’s taking an awfully long time for it to affect me the way antifictionals claim it does… I wonder why… maybe because it doesn’t do what they say… but hey, I am “mentally ill” so my opinion does not matter…

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Ah, but there it is. The difference between you and me. You’re mentally sane enough to not have urges to do harm. I’m not sane at all. My body, heart, mind, and soul seem programmed, predestined, fated to seek destruction. My guilt and hate have been boiling, simmering for over a decade, and I fear that sooner of later, the lid will pop off! Not everyone can be saved, I just wanted to share my story, maybe figure out why I am this way. But all my research the past decade has pointed to a simple truth: that I am crazy, born mad and will die it, by my own hand or the hand of others.

What would happen if I marched steadfast into the dining room at work one busy day and boomingly announced all the horrible things my brain wanted me to do? Would the crowd throw me into the fireplace and grant my wish for destruction…?

I outright asked this question long ago, if I deserved to be skinned and burned for the world to see. The first response was kind, saying that being a pedophile was odd, but even so, I didn’t deserve to die…

I’ve wanted to die since 13, and have wanted everyday. Even often begged my teachers to kill me, of course they refused…

I still think all of this negative self-talk is an internalization of antifictionals’ prejudices. As we said before, if staying away from fiction helps in feeling better, do so. But know that at least I do not see you as a monster just because you have thoughts and you enjoy fiction.

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Every single person on the planet has the urge to do harm, most don’t act on them though.

Look up “homicidal ideation” and most people have thoughts of committing homicide at least once. Most don’t act on those feelings. A lot of fantasies are like that. Most are probably just channeled into fiction in some form.

But the overall point. I was telling you to get professional help because of the post you wrote here and the ones above about hating yourself and wanting to hurt yourself. Nobody should hurt themselves over imaginary situations. I don’t know you, I’m not licensed to diagnose people, but the things you’re saying about self-hatred and being a ticking timebomb are worrying and that’s why I was suggesting you seek help.

Just look up homicidal ideation, remember thought =/= action, possibly find a harmless outlet for your feelings and try talking to a mental health professional if you’re in danger of hurting yourself or someone else.

Thank you for your kindness, but I understand everyone has thoughts. But for most, these thoughts are fleeting. Mine are deeply rooted, anchored, and I doubt they’d be removed even if you took a scalpel to my brain. No, this is not POCD, but real pedophilia (I cannot confirm here how I know this, but you must trust me). I am forsaken, doomed. I’ve literally tried EVERYTHING, I’ve taken medication, I’ve sought therapy, I’ve attempted to hang, stab, and shoot myself. NOTHING works, and nothing will work. There’s a dark truth to reality: not everyone can be saved. What works for most will not work for me.

I had an interview with a researcher over Discord. I told her upfront that my experience was not typical of most pedophiles. So please understand, and don’t feel any remorse for me, there’s nothing to be done of it. I’ve been hiding in my house, only venturing out when necessary (work, bank, groceries, etc.). I don’t trust myself, and I can’t ever let myself free for fear of acting. It already came too close to happening once before, never again!

Frankly, given the current viral outbreak from China with love, you should be hiding in your house, anyway. At least, you won’t catch that disease that way. At least, that’s what I’ve been doing. So smart decision. Wrong reasoning. At least for that particular action.

Get professional help. There are tools available to help you stop yourself from hurting someone. I can’t make you do anything, you really sound like you should be talking to a trained professional about this to help keep yourself and others safe.

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What’s that supposed to mean? “From China with love”?

I AM seeing a professional, once every two weeks. It only helps so much when all there is to talk about is how much I hate myself, how much I suck, how much I don’t trust myself (or anyone else for that matter). I mean, it helps, but there’s that stick in the brain that can’t be removed, and many argue shouldn’t be removed.

A controversial subject (one that I know is frowned upon here): suicide and eugenics.

Perhaps suicide is the human species’ internal method of improving the species. If this were the case, than suicide is our evolutionary obligation, and preventing it only allows the inferior (such as myself) to infect the gene pool…

I understand if the people in charge shut me down for bringing up such grisly topics, shame on me. But I’m always fascinated with humanity’s overall desire to be good, but seeming animalistic, instinctual inability to actually behave (tribalism, insanity, enslavement, etc.).

You know, I realize that I’m starting to sound a bit trollish, but believe me when I say I have legitimately pondered these things. I’m NOT advocating for suicide, be that it may seem. I’d be horrified if someone did so based on what some nobody like me said. I’m only sharing my opinions and amateur theories. Take them with a grain of salt.

To be honest, talking to you is actually calming me down. Thank you.

Happy to help, but has your therapist brought up the possibility of you having pedophilic disorder? Maybe bring that up with them to increase the efficacy of your treatment.

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Trust me, he knows in EXCRUCIATING detail about my “interests”. I was transfered to him from my previous therapist because I confessed I was a pedophile. My current one has more experience in this field, though he’s not a specialist on the subject or anything. He told me once long ago about how he was treating a pedophile at a mental institution. The pedophile was initially cold and aloof, accusing my therapist of hating him. My therapist told him that wasn’t true at all, and soon the patient opened up and eventually was healthfully released from the facility.

It was actually my high school counselor I confessed to being a pedophile. They were shocked and they stammered. They informed another counselor (with my permission). She told me I was very brave; I told her I was stupid. We called my mom, she took me to my former therapist. I told him little girls were “cute”; he said I found them “too” cute. Was given the option to either freely enter a facility or be involuntary put there. Chose the former.

What idiots! The facility was a facility FOR MINORS! Yes, I was a mere high schooler at the time, but why was I placed with young children?! And why was there ANOTHER pedophile there with me, one who was MUCH more deranged!? I was only in there a week. The next year, I wasn’t allowed to go to school. Couldn’t go pick up my elementary-aged sister because I couldn’t go near ANY school!

I was promised this would go away while at the hospital, why isn’t it gone!? Why!?! Not that it would even matter. Everything dies! Even our very universe will die someday, so even what we leave behind will be worthless. And in a world full of Shiro Ishiis and Junko Furutas, what IS living really? To selfishly serve oneself while every other nation on Earth rots and starves!? Madness! Utter madness!

My bad attempt at film reference, apparently: From Russia with Love (film) - Wikipedia

I know the film, it’s just that the “with love” made it sound like China gave COVID to the world as a “gift”, which would tie into the narrative that China created COVID as a bioweapon. Not actually accusing you of being one of those conspiracy types, it just sounded off is all.

No, of course not. If Death Note Change the WorLd taught me anything, it’s that powers wouldn’t use a viral bioweapon unless they themselves had a cure for it. Though, those hospitals were built awfully quickly with slave labor (or at least, labor with no labor laws). You know, the hospitals with edgy names and emblems. Fire God Hospital or something, like that.

My grandmother’s a North Korean refugee. She’s been accused of being a spy in the past, and now with East Asians being called “viruses” lately, you can see why I’d be sensitive to stuff like that. I love my grandmother. Apologies for jumping the gun.

I was born in the PRC. Fuck, my grandpa on my father’s side was a Party member (which makes for hilarious storytelling because a German friend of mine has a grandfather who was former Wehrmacht). To put things into perspective, German Wehrmacht is just the military side, as opposed to, you know, the Nazi SS. Meanwhile, my grandparent was a Communist Party member. Therefore, I know exactly how they think. Using a bioweapon and not admitting? I wouldn’t put it past them.

Please do not confuse hatred for the communist country as hatred for the Asian people. I know for a fact that that’s a common tactic by those scumbags:

Do not allow them to use it… For any reason. And yes, as a US citizen who was born in China, know that I absolutely despise the CCP. At this point, enemies of my enemies are my friends.