This blog post is a little old, so it’s not quite up-to-date with me of today, but I’ve posted it around a few places like AtF and it might come in useful for someone. I really shouldn’t post this in a JS mandatory place like this, but it’s that best opportunity I’m going to get and it would be a shame to miss it.
Let me clear up briefly that “love”, the desire for affection is far more complicated than mere “sexual attraction”, just so there aren’t any stupid misconceptions.
Oh, how I loathe to write this post, but write I must, I don’t know if this will sink to the depths of darkness, but I’d like to think that at-least one soul might benefit from it.
I am what society would call a monster or aberration. A being who has no attraction to adults but does have it to kids. Some as young as 9.
Contrary to popular belief, I did not get bored some day and decide, “I am feeling really masochistic today, why don’t I do something that is bound to really backfire on me and completely destroy my life, just to spice things up.”
No one thinks like that, it is innate. From the very moment you’re born to the very moment you die, it is a part of you forever and ever and it sucks. A lot. Having sex? Never. Having a relationship with someone? Never. Looking at porn? Only if you want to go to prison for forty years.
Also contrary to popular belief, I don’t have the desire to jump on random people in fits of lust or to seek out sexual encounters just to relieve the pressure. This is similar to how you don’t really see hordes of virgin men scouring the streets for every random woman they can forcefully abduct into their homes.
This is not to say that we are completely stable. Societal pressures involved (being called a monster constantly), having nowhere to turn to, etc. conspire to make us a fair bit more unstable than the national average.
I myself am actually fairly well-adjusted compared to many more unfortunate people like me.
Some go insane.
Some just give into temptation and eventually end up in a dark part of the web filled with things which shouldn’t be allowed to exist.
Some get all self-loathing and punish themselves every-day to make themselves feel how much of a monster they are.
I on the other-hand manage to stay relatively stable, albeit having to deal with bouts of depression and mood instability. This wasn’t always the case, and I attribute much of it to lolicon hentai, which is a sort of cartoon porn.
Unlike real pornography, every character is entirely fictitious and there is no person to horribly traumatize or to soil the reputation of by being associated with naked pictures of kids. Everyone wins. Society gets well-adjusted productive members of society and I get to be sane.
Except, is this really case? You would think that society would rally behind something with such great benefits, right? Sadly, politics is a huge part of anything to do with this, and more often than not, facts are optional.
At this point in the game, not only are the facilities to help support people woefully lacking, but governments have been carrying the flawed mindset that “this is a slippery slope which leads to children getting abused” when every law they pass actually achieves the opposite.
To really understand how this is so however, I am going to have to take you through a little story about myself and how I came to get to the point I’m at now.
Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I never really thought about sex, it was just something which never really crossed my mind. Other kids would mention a thing or two from time to time, but I would be content to leave that be.
That did end up changing, but not in the ways one might expect, I grew more and more curious towards kids who were far under my age, but were all but present. I would sometimes look at fully clothed images on the internet with a weird feeling.
And one day, I saw perhaps one of the youngest people there who looked a fair bit younger than they actually were, although still a fair bit younger than me who I found extremely cute unlike all of the so called “attractive girls” who the other teenagers would always talk about.
She was far, far less developed than them and that was very enticing.
I very awkwardly tried to make friends with her, and while it very slightly worked, my social awkwardness was off the charts and making it difficult to get much further and eventually it crashed and burned like many unrequited loves too.
During this process, I had a slight feeling that something was wrong, especially with the low age involved, but no one seemed to notice a thing as we were all well within the legal boundaries.
Those were the first encounters with this unique sexuality, although certainly not the last.
At some point, I’m not even sure exactly, , but I drifted away from looking at clothed images of real girls and started looking at random anime (cartoons of sorts which are produced in Japan) ones as I found them particularly cute.
I flicked through lots of them, being pulled more and more towards the young ones who I adored and contained the qualities I loved. I even childishly wanted to leave this world behind entirely.
This continued for a number of years, even past school, although I became more and more conscious of cute school kids roaming by. I didn’t have any particularly bad intentions for them, but I did find myself looking whenever they happened to be nearby.
I gradually became more and more disillusioned with reality, especially with this taboo attraction which society all but called the devil and eventually all alone in the depths of depression and repressed self-loathing and after the deaths of several loved ones, I decided to deal with it once and for all.
Through a great deal of research, I discovered that sexual desire had a connection to several hormones within the body, so I thought that if I get rid of those, then I can become normal, right? It’s not like these desires are good for anything, right?
Unfortunately, the methods to deal with this involved prescription drugs and getting a hold of them would require going through the right medical channels, but I didn’t let this stop me.
I knew that if I let the information about me loose to those professional, then I might well be locked up for the rest of my days in some sort of mental hospital, unable to die. This is how deep the stigma regarding this condition runs, even what may be perfectly reasonable professionals in other times will go crazy at the thought, and I could not take this risk.
I managed to get the pills through sketchy yet perfectly legal channels and began to rid myself of this condition, discarding my former self and being reborn as a normal productive member of society… Except, this did not work, even slightly.
It is true that it somewhat reduced my sex drive, but the romantic attractions, protective instincts for them, etc. simply refused to disappear, so I channeled all my willpower to suppress those and tried to seek relationships with normal adults like any other human being.
As the chief symbol of my depravity, I also cut myself off from all cartoon porn and strived to maintain a porn free life as regular porn could do nothing but conjure up feelings of revulsion in me, as part of this, I slowly brainwashed myself into thinking that all sexual thoughts are evil and clamped down on them viciously.
This too failed as my distorted mental state and already irregular sexuality made it impossible to really get anywhere further than permanent friend zone. They eventually left and looked at me with disgust, or so the distorted feelings said.
As the hormones vanished, my body grew weaker and weaker to the point I would easily run out of breath even for short walks, my bones grew rickety, and I found myself staring listlessly at the wall for many hours at a time, my mind an empty void and occasionally thinking about throwing myself off the tallest building and researching the best way of committing suicide.
I also began to hear faint voices which weren’t really there whispering and sometimes saying my name, calling for me and I grew steadily more paranoid about people watching me from outside the window or from behind me, even though there was no one there.
I drifted further and further from the world, continuing the courses of pills like a mindless zombie, and when I was out and about, I felt as if everyone around me was looking at me with the utmost disgust. I even ate a bit of bleach, while thinking about just ending it.
At some point, the pills ran out and I couldn’t muster up the will to get more of them at that point, so I continued my suppression exercises and my mindset bit by bit still remained in a weird way, almost like that of an alien and yet I pressed forward convinced by that letting my repressed self out would be a terrible idea.
Eventually, a few more friends abandoned me due to my distorted mind, I pleaded with them to stay, but they took the rational choice. I can hardly fault them for that.
Completely distraught and unable to muster up the energy to continue, I ended up looking at the cartoon porn again and bit by bit reconnected with various people and continued trotting along until I learned that several people near me were arrested for doing the same thing and had their lives destroyed for it.
I freaked out and started looking into various laws and regulations and drifted towards the forums of the various sites which produced my favorite content. I pored over each page and even noticed a few people who were somewhat like me there, and even more surprisingly, they didn’t seem to be the evil sadistic monsters which society taught me they were.
I ended up talking to them in a slightly liberating experience and learned a number of things. I also branched out into various other communities.
One of the things I learned is that looking at child abuse images is more of an addiction than being a complete sadistic monster, and that safer content is extremely scarce with people having to dig deeper and deeper into the darkness to find more of what they need.
According to them, it can allow one to vent more effectively than anything else, in practice, a lot of the content is so horrible that it ends up driving you to near suicide.
They also commented that it would have been impossible to escape from that content, if not for the fact that they had an alternate outlet to switch to. This reaffirmed my beliefs that an outlet is vital for dealing with your natural urges and to stay away from that horrible yet addictive content.
Fate tends to make fools of us all, however as while browsing, I stumbled upon a couple of blurry images. I looked in closer and each one was a naked child standing on her own completely naked, I was really surprised that something like this could actually exist on the surface web.
It had a stronger sexual attraction than usual and as I had never seen a naked child (of the right sex) before, I looked curiously at their body structure. Shortly after, I dragged myself away from those images, deciding to stay away from them and just focus on cartoon porn instead.
Several weeks later, I stumbled upon an article about the ban in Japan and discovered that those images in particular were commercially produced thirty years ago back when when it was legal, which made sense considering that the quality of the images was fairly poor by today’s standards.
After all these events, I sat down and thought about the poor state of information regarding us.
For instance, there is a misconception that mere thoughts lead to cartoon porn which lead to real porn which lead to rape. Or the very common assumption that we are all crazy rapists by default, I used to think that too after hearing it so many times.
In truth, I have yet to see anyone who has actually abused someone, they seem vanishingly rare and I’m happy for it as-well as I would be very uncomfortable to be in the same space as someone who abused someone against their will.
This led me to think of ways to try to get information out to people that a lot of things have been massively misunderstood and I decided to write a short post. It won’t quite be the most effective thing in the world, but every little bit helps in the grand scheme of things.
In the end, even though I am attracted to them and can fantasize about doing all manner of erotic things with them, I wouldn’t actually be able to force them to do things against their will, even thinking of it would weigh too heavily on my conscience.
I don’t know what you will make of this post, but I hope it’s of use to at-least someone.