So, it’s been about two weeks since I first joined the forum. If I’m going to continue engaging with others here, I feel like there’s something that I should mention, something that I have to confess.
Most of what I said in this thread about myself is true.
I also talked a bit about myself in the following thread (there’s some additional stuff that I mentioned there that I won’t in this thread): Sharing my own story about fiction - #2 by anon81903312
However, there is one thing that I wasn’t honest about. Or, at least, I didn’t want to believe it.
There’s no other way around this. I am a NOMAP. This is something that I had to come to terms with and accept very recently.
I don’t really know how to explain it, because I don’t fully understand it myself, but I seem to be attracted to girls and women between the ages of 4-40.
Part of the reason why I didn’t reveal it sooner was because the last forum that I joined, someone found out who I was (although, that was my fault, because I gave away information that would identify me). That was a long time ago though, so it doesn’t really matter anymore. But, I am still a bit paranoid about it.
Another reason was because of self-loathing. I didn’t want to believe that I was a MAP because I knew that I was attracted to adult women. To be attracted to children seemed absurd to me. All my life people around me, as well as on the Internet, have been telling me MAPs are horrible people and deserve to be locked up or to die. I didn’t want to confront myself. But, deep down, I knew what I was and I hated myself for it.
There were times where I would fantasize about having sex with children. The local newspaper publishes a lot of stories that are pretty awful. There have been times where I would fantasize after reading some stories regarding CSA (although, I did feel sorry for the victims). I would try to suppress those thoughts, but while I did usually end up forgetting whatever I read after a day or so, there is one particular story involving CSA that I haven’t forgotten about yet. I’m not gonna go over it though.
I don’t know when this first started. While I knew I was attracted to adult women for a long time, I can’t say for sure when I started being attracted to children.
When I was young, I was curious (you might even say fascinated) with nudity. I don’t remember when it started (although, it might have started when I was around 8), or even how it started, but I would often fantasize about nude female (adult and child) cartoon characters during the night. Nothing sexual, just nude.
I didn’t know what sex was exactly. I did have several books on the human body (for kids) though. One of them showed a man and a woman (both drawings) nude and having sex. The man was on top of the woman. I thought “So that’s what sex is? A nude man on top of a nude woman? That doesn’t seem so bad.” I didn’t realize until years later that there were not only different sex positions, but that it involved some physical activity to it.
I don’t know, I might be too lazy for sex or something (note: I never had a sex partner and was never in a relationship with anyone). I get tired even after masturbating.
I must also confess that I started viewing porn at age 14 and didn’t start masturbating until I was 16 (although, if I had understood sex, as well as myself, better, I would have probably started masturbating before then).
I apologize for not having told the truth regarding my sexual interests with children. I still maintain, however, that it’s possible for someone to only be interested in fictional characters, while someone else could be attracted only to real people. I also maintain that I never offended (and have never had the desire to offend) against minors. I am able to control my urges.
It’s also why I never joined VirPed, I know that I’m not a threat to minors and I’m not distressed about my sexual interests in children.
That’s all that I feel comfortable sharing right now.