Was it abuse? I'm sort of lost here... Sorry if this is the wrong topic to post under

I never said no, I just went along with it not knowing what it was. He was only a few years older than I am, and we were both males. I was like 8-12 at the time.
I’m hesitant to call it abuse, but I never asked for this. I have an addiction to porn, and might be a MAP, but including people my age and older as well. What is this? I’m so confused and have been fighting with myself constantly, and I just don’t know what to do. I even became christian for a while to see if that would help with my attractions, but I just don’t understand.
Please excuse any incoherence here. I am under the influence of some recreational drugs, but I digress.
I would never hurt a child, nor engage in any sexual acts with them, yet loli/shota or whatever is attractive to me (as is most other porn).
Was I just experimenting when I was younger, and was born to be attracted to what I am?
Why me? I never asked for any of this. I never wanted this. But here I am, existing.

More over, why must there be so much hatred? Am I afraid to be me? Is this me?
If I would be killed I don’t want that to be me. Am I the bad guy? Am I doomed to evil?

I would never hurt a child, nor engage in any sexual acts with them

This answers your question in reverse, of what abuse is, which does not resonate with you.

It really is that simple. Don’t over-complicate, and certainly don’t let other people over-complicate it.

Abuse = Violation of someone’s personal body, mind, space, property, privacy, or freedom in a way that hinders, harms, damages, destroys, exploits, deceives, or confuses.

If the experience was confusing, then they were not being fully honest and informative with you, and were gaining something from you. Especially if you did not find any enjoyment. That is abuse. Maybe not an extreme case, but it is nonetheless a case somewhere between the range of 1 to 99. The important thing to do is to not let these things define who you are and your future.

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It was confusing, to be sure. But I don’t find it traumatic. Rather, I feel that it was more akin to experimenting. although I was really really young. It went on for a while, but eventually my parents caught wind, and, having grown up in a family of diehard christians and not wanting to out myself, when they asked if he made me touch him or if he touched me, i broke down and cried and said yes. The guy ended up getting a misdemeanor, thank god (I don’t know if I could live with myself having falsely accused somebody in such a way with them getting a felony charge). It’s really confusing.

But what of the attractions I have, otherwise?

Finally got around to replying to this, sorry about the delay.

If someone interacted sexually with you and you didn’t explicitly say yes, then that could reasonably be considered abuse. Whether you want to call it that and think of it that way is entirely up to you, and it’s ok if you feel like it was just experimentation. There are no rules on how you have to feel about something you experienced.

What happened when you were younger doesn’t automatically make you a MAP, and it might not even be related. Many gay people experiment with members of the opposite sex when they’re younger, and then their sexual orientation emerges later in their teens. Plus it sounds like the person was older than you, so that wouldn’t generally be considered MAP-adjacent on your part regardless.

Whether you’re a MAP or not, you’re not a bad person or doomed to be evil. You already said you don’t want to hurt anyone, and that’s what determines morality. If you think you are a MAP and need some support, Prostasia’s get help page has some resources that you might find useful, and you’re more than welcome to DM me or just reply in this thread if you need to talk to someone. I’m a MAP myself so I understand how scary it can be to consider that possibility, but having people you can talk to about it helps a lot.