There is a huge discourse online about how dating 18 year olds as you approach or have reached your 30s is not only “inappropriate” but “predatory”, “gross”, and they justify this by saying that young adults are not really adults but teens. They cite research which says that brains are not fully developed until they reach the age of 25. While I don’t doubt this research, all of those opinions about dating 18 year olds being wrong are stupid. First of all, yeah, 18 year olds can be immature, but they can consent. Second, the older person is not grooming the 18 year old. That’s just not possible with an adult. Again, 18 year olds can be immature, but they can certainly defend themselves and can tell bad intentions from the most part.
I strongly suspect this opinion is mostly spotted by older women who don’t want men their age going for younger women as they see them as competition. This may sound offensive but I think it’s true.
What are your thoughts on this encroachment of pedo hysteria towards adults?
I’m kind of skeptical that the harm of CSA comes from maturity though; from my experience it’s more to do with power dynamics. Otherwise it would also be harmful for a pair of 9-year-olds to play doctor, or for a kid to look at porn on the Internet, but I don’t believe that.
From that perspective I … kind of agree that it’s predatory for a 30+ year old to date an 18 year old? Like, if 17 dating 30 is predatory, then it’s not like a magical maturity switch turns on when the younger partner turns 18.
I’ve always thought the ‘half your age plus 7’ rule made more sense then a sudden age-of-consent cutoff rule, but I guess people hate algebra too much XD
I actually had a conversation on IRC about this the other day.
(Very) Abridged:
{+[redacted]} Jigsy: I used to play doc with my cousins when I was younger
{Jigsy} Same.
{+[redacted]} But it’s still different to porn I’d say
{Jigsy} Yeah, I had no idea what porn was at say… six years old.
{Jigsy} Still liked playing doctor, though.
{+[redacted]} Playing doctor is good memories
{Jigsy} Yeah. This is where the whole “it’s trumatic(!)” argument just falls apart.
{Jigsy} Just admit you hate sex, boomers.
{Jigsy} I didn’t consider playing doctor trumatic.
{Jigsy} It was fun. :3
{Jigsy} And I was six.
Unfortunately, it’s not just boomers nowadays who are moral-panicking. Everyone seems to want to paladin-LARP nowadays. See all the instant FBI “jokes” whenever anyone mentions loli… Though, that might be hypocritical coming from me, given that I LARP as a paladin… slayer.
Meanwhile Germany defending their view on teen relationships in the EU once again:
The age of sexual consent varies in the member states. In Germany, young people aged 14 and over are considered to be of sufficient age to give their consent to certain acts and content. Content or conduct that is not punishable under national law must be excluded from the scope of the draft regulation.
Source: Proposal for a Regulation of the European Parliament and of the Council laying down rules on preventing and combating the sexual abuse of children (CSA-VO) - Statement of the German Federal Government on the draft CSA-VO, April 3rd, 2023
I am a young adult lady and I’m gonna be honest: a 30 year old man dating a 18 year old DOES sound predatory. Why would a man who is working want to be with someone who is still possibly on high school? Literally, what’s the difference of a 30 year old dating a 18 year old and a 30 year old dating a 17 year old? One year less turns him into S.O? Really? Plus, not all of people in these conversations are necessary bitter women afraid of competition, for the contrary: Many women who say stuff like this actually went through a relationship as a young adult by older men and ended up getting prayed on or were hit on by multiple times by predators. I feel like yeah it’s not illegal, but that doesn’t make it any less questionable and sure, there are big age gap relationship which work, but they are few as the stages on life, level of maturity and power dinamics are way too high.
Yeah, if both parties are of age and consenting then there is no issue. Whether a thirty year old will have anything in common with an 18 year old is another story, but who cares what “society” thinks. The laws say it’s legal, they can fuck off.
Just because you went through a bad experience as a young adult woman with an older guy does not mean it is a bad thing for a 30 year old to date an 18 year old. Just because some people abuse their situation in some cases does not mean the practice in question is bad. Why would a 30 year old man date an 18 year old? Who knows! Maybe he finds her pretty, interesting, fun, idk. It does not always have to be a case of “bwahaha I will date an 18 year old to take advantage of her!! Bwahaha!” Many times its simple attraction.
Your response just reflects a moral judgment based on disgust, which is not the way I and many people in this forum like to define morals.
Nowadays it is VERY easy for a 30 year old (hell, even older) to have things in common with 18 year olds. Nowadays it’s normalized to like youthful stuff as a grown up. Many people 18+ like pokemon, DnD, video games, fanfics, furries, etc. That is a HUGE range of stuff which people in age gaps can have in common.
As far as the stages of life are concerned: who cares? Why does it matter if they are in different life stages? It really depends on the relationship. Partners can respect each other’s time and allow the other to do things apart: the 30 year old can let the 18 year old party and go to frat events if thats what they want. Although many 18 year olds are not into that. At 18 I did pretty much the same hobbies I do now. I honestly have not changed much in terms of hobbies since I was 18. I have always liked reading about all subjects, as well as drawing and writing fanfics. Some things have ebbed and flowed, but overall I have very similar, if not the same, tastes in music, hobbies, and activities as my 18 year old self. I have only become more emotionally stable and understanding of people as I grew up.
On the other hand, the stages of life could be an issue, especially if one or both partners are not understanding of each other’s needs.
With regards to power dynamics: again, who cares if the 30 year old has more power than the 18 year old? What if the 18 year old finds that hot? It’s literally hard wired into many women’s brains to be attracted to providers who have power, and 30+ year olds fit that bill, not the 18-25 year old guys who can barely get a job at 7-eleven, or who still live with their parents. Same with the 30 year old man: men want healthy women who can bear children. I am not saying it’s bad to want to have equality in a relationship in terms of power. Again, as long as everyone is a consenting adult*, who cares? You do you. But why are we nowadays so obsessed with ethical rectitude and equality in every way? Why do I need to have the same level of power as my partner? Frankly, this is just not realistic, as there will ALWAYS be some form of power dynamic. It’s naive to expect to see zero power dynamics. Are we obsessed with equality in power because of some women who have been abused by older men who took advantage of them? That is probably part of the reason, and not a justification for condemning these kinds of relationships per se. I suspect a lot of these reactions, whether people are aware or willing to admit it or not, are due to Marxism. People nowadays are scared and resentful of power. Having power makes you the bad guy, because you COULD misuse it, as other have misused it in the past.
Yeah, I mean this describes me very well. Maybe I’m just in my own head so much it sometimes feels like I’m the only person who still lives like a 19 year old. I play games and collect figures and watch anime, I never grew out of it because it’s what I love. Why would I. It’s nice to grab some perspective
When I was 36 I dated an 18yo., if you could call it that. We had a lot of fun! But not what you think. I never even kissed her.
She was really cute and had a different personality than most women/girls. We would meet and have lunch and took frequent weekend trips to the beach. She was beautiful! She was sexually active with a couple other guys that had been ongoing before she met me. Call it a brief summer fling.
Either way, I knew within a short time it wasn’t going to be a long term relationship for me. We really didn’t have much in common. We just enjoyed each other’s company without any pressures. I think that’s what she was looking for at that time. Just someone like a big brother with no sexual pressure. I’m that kind of guy. I liked her and wanted to kiss her, but I could tell that’s not what she wanted. So I’m weird and not a horndog like most guys. I got to hang out with a beautiful young girl never once being confused as “her dad”. And had nice conversations and good company.
She later went on to marry a guy a little younger than me, probably about 15 years older than her, a few years later. She’s happy. So why does a relationship like that have to be so bad and overthought with suppositions? I’ll guarantee that most guys WOULD likely take as much advantage as they could, because most guys think with their penis!
I never even dated anyone, much less an older guy. It’s not just me who thinks like this, a whole bunch of people do and they have very good reasons. Again, not so say that if you do it you are necessarily a demon, but it does come off as predatory. Relationships with a huge age gap often are predatory and VERY often don’t work out. I am not necessarily disgusted, but I do find it predatory. Literally, there is absolutely no difference between dating a 16 year old and an 18 year. I don’t get why it turns ok to a much older man to have a relationship with an 18 year old, someone who is most likely not even in the college yet and someone who can’t even drink on most states but the man is a monster for dating a 17 year old. If you are dating a 18 year old and it turned out fine then good for you. But it’s something I do heavily not recommend.
Yeah, I don’t think all relationships with a big age gap are necessarily going to turn out shitty. Had a dude who was 30+ wanting to be my web boyfriend when I was 13, he wasn’t a pervert and we had a lot in common as both liked history and we both had same world views. Maybe if I dated him things wouldn’t be that bad? Maybe. But that’s something I do heavily not recommend. The amount of predators out there and as you said, most men think with their penis so I wouldn’t really trust a man who wanted to a date an 18 year old. Literally, what’s the difference between dating a 17 year old and 18 year old? One year doesn’t make any difference. If it’s the age of consent, in my country, the age of country is 14. Some gympses here get married at 14 and they also sometimes turn out fine and happy. If she’s genuinely happy and he didn’t had any bad intentions, good for her. There was a famous case of a guy who fall in love with a 12 year old girl when he was 24 and dated her at 16 and now they are married. She may be happy, but I wouldn’t recommend doing that. If I met an 18 year old who had insterst on dating a 30+ I would talk with them and heavily recommend not doing it.
Yes, the difference in maturity and competence between someone at 16 or 17 is slight when they become 18. However, we do not use maturity to determine adulthood. Some people might never be adults under that. Additionally, such a subjective determination has enormous potential for misuse. Defining adulthood by age is objective and easily determined and verified. So that is what is used. And just as older people can prey on younger people, so too can young people take advantage of older people. Such as a gold digger.
Once a person becomes an adult, they are responsible for their behavior. It is not society’s place to judge them. Even if one is 18 and the other 90.
Yeah they are responsible for their behavior, but people can still say when something is going to turn out shitty and prevent abuse. Older people who date younger people often have shitty intentions and are often predators. Gold diggers are also a very good reasons why it wouldn’t be good for them to date. If your friend was going to date a man who was arrested for domestic violence, wouldn’t you say that it was better for her to do not do it? An 18 year old is still very immature and often they aren’t even on college. You really are going to say that a person who is over 50+ dating an 18 year old doesn’t sound predatory? If we were on ancient Greece in which adulthood was by the time people were 14, would it be fine for a 60+ date them and it wouldn’t be predatory at all? People wouldn’t have any right to recommend them not doing?
While I would certainly advise a friend or relative that such behavior has risks, either way, I would not intervene in a stranger’s business as it is none of mine. More people should learn to mind their own business and not mine.
