My journey, and my problem

Hi all. I’m a long time lurker, but have only just registered. I’ve used this forum and the responses here to get me through some rough times, but never felt I personally had much to contribute. I hope this isn’t off hand.

I’m 39 and I’ve known I’m a MAP for a long time. I remember when I was 14, I took tennis lessons at a local community college one summer. My doubles partner was 12 year old girl, that I considered the most beautiful girl I’d have ever met. In fact I still think about her often. Obviously she’d be 37 now, but I can still imagine that beautiful girl with the green eyes and how she smiled at me. It felt weird to me that even the two year age gap, was like… it’s like this, I was solidly a teenager, and this girl was still in elementary school. And it made me feel deeply conflicted. And suddenly my worldview kind of started unraveling. The older I got, the less my tastes changed, the worse I felt.

Eventually I was in my late twenties, and I made peace with who I was. It was not easy. I suffer from bipolar disorder and extreme anxiety and this period of my life was quite dark personally. I’m still not quite ever going to be fully comfortable with it. Sometimes it makes me almost physically ill. I try to cope.

I cope, as apparently many do, with Lolicon manga, drawn/animated images in general, and recently the occasional AI chat bot, though they’re often weird and break immersion. I specifically stay in that realm because for one anything beyond that, is 100% causing harm. But more than that, what I dream of is pure fantasy, Im never going to have a deeply intellectual, romantic and physically intimate relationship with a grade schooler, because like, they cant provide that for me no matter how much I would want it. They’re not emotionally capable of doing so. And even so, that girl won’t stay that age forever.

I used to live in the Midwest in a state where, as far as I could tell there was no legal issue regarding virtual materials. The state is deeply religious but also deeply values personal freedoms so I was never too concerned. My main sources for material are the usual, Sankaku, nHentai,, and Pixiv.

I have recently moved to the east coast and have been unable to find solid info on the legality of any of these sites around here. And sometimes the anxiety begins eat away at my soul. I’m concerned visiting these sites could land me in jail I guess. I only visit them, and I don’t download materials to keep on digital storage. It would really only be my image cache and browser history. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

At work today one of my friends, a great guy, was telling me what he would do to pedophiles, and I just had to be like “Yeah man, fuck em” which I guess when I said it, I meant people who abuse children, which yeah, fuck em. But still, having to nod my head along and at the same time I’m this other… thing. I didn’t know how to square it. I felt shitty and gross. I felt I was living a lie. I try not to utilize the stuff too often but recently I’ve been very weak. There was a point at the end of the day where two cops came to my store to assist an elderly lady who was having an issue, and all I could think when I saw them was that I was going to jail, and I would never speak to anyone I know ever again.

I’m struggling to keep going. I’m not suicidal (anymore) but I just feel awful all the time. Duplicitous. I don’t want to betray my friends and family. I don’t want to go jail. But I do want to enjoy who I am.

But I can’t. We can’t. We’re not allowed.

Thank you for reading.

(Edit: I just noticed somehow my actual name must have autofilled in the username block. Is it possible to change that?!)


You’re going to be fine if you’re only dabbling in fictional/virtual materials. It’s on the same level of legality as adult pornography, since no real minors were used/exploited for it to exist, either directly or indirectly.

Would you agree that these materials make you feel confident in your ability to reconcile your own interests, attractions, fantasies, and emotions with the reality that they must be kept in a fantasy setting, away from actual minors? That the freedom allows you to make peace with these parts of you and live comfortably?


I would certainly say they do, yes

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Would you be willing to disclose your story, your thoughts, feelings, etc in broader detail to @elliot and other members of the staff? You are not alone.

We would be very interested to hear how these fiction has affected your life, both positively or negatively.

Yeah I think I’d be amenable to that. Would it be possible to get a username change? I don’t feel quite comfortable with the mistake I made in registration… I’ll take anything honestly, just as long as it changes

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Do you have ADHD? You are blurting out a lot of very random things.

Sure, whatever you like! Are you just another keyboard jockey, surfing the web finding random, old, semi-relevant articles to create new threads? Have you read many of the topics and posts here to gain some insight into what many of us are all about in our solidarity of protecting children, regardless of our race, gender, attractions, sexuality, interests, or hobbies?

Sometimes a response to a thread may not be exactly a narrow match. Creating a new topic similar to one already will be pointed out by the system. So I follow the idea to add to the existing topic. Many of yours could fall under old “News”. My recent response here outlines the hypocriful BS I see within our society. Related with the creator of this post as to his “problem” that many of us share. And warn of the dangers faced by us of the false beliefs and opinions of “outsiders” (people who DO NOT share a similar “problem”).

As I try to refrain from my own character flaw of sarcasm and snarkiness toward newcomers that I truly no nothing about; I say, keep reading. Educate yourself.

Why are you here?

What does it accomplish other than being ridiculously provocative?

Mission accomplished!

This is a good example of the problems with this foundation.

Rather than a fan who enjoys the content, it’s someone who talks about relatively mundane things in a cold utilitarian manner and uses alien language like “virtual materials”. This is like when Chie refused to stop using the term “virtual child porn” (including for women role-playing) despite it being harmful and byzantine. Is this someone from your chat group? No one talks like this. This isn’t a good representation.

Even the definition of pedophilia appears to have been turned upside-down. Instead of pedophilia being an act, and the pedophile being the actor, vague “thought crimes” (and even something as nebulous as “I saw a cute girl 15 years ago”) which don’t really matter are being tossed about. It was always a bad faith and paranoid argument from fascists.

“MAP” This has got to be someone from your chat group.
“My journey” This is referencing something but I can’t quite remember it. It had something to do with someone called “Elliot”?

“Even the definition of pedophilia appears to have been turned upside-down. Instead of pedophilia being an act, and the pedophile being the actor, vague “thought crimes” (and even something as nebulous as “I saw a cute girl 15 years ago”) which don’t really matter are being tossed about. It was always a bad faith and paranoid argument from fascists.”

So it’s fascism to define pedophilia as a sexual attraction to children?

I’ve even seen someone who said that the lolicon made the pedophilia in Japan go down.

That is a word you use when you insinuate someone you hate is a child predator. Objectively speaking, there is no good faith usage. It is never used in a positive context. Sometimes, it is used in a cold clinical setting to talk about criminals by people who work with criminals. Get the picture here? The fascist argues that child predators are everywhere, to go chasing shadows, weaves grand conspiracies about the mundane.

Should it really be a crime to look at child pornography? | Rod Liddle | The Guardian The only time I have seen it used “seriously” was from this conservative provocateur, Rod Liddle. He appears to have taken psychology / sociology. A lot of his takes are gratuitously provocative. Let’s face it, this style would be terrible (and ridiculous) for talking about something mundane like this manga.

“Get the picture here? The fascist argues that child predators are everywhere, to go chasing shadows, weaves grand conspiracies about the mundane.”

So I assume you just don’t believe in pedophilia, you think that everyone is secretly attracted to children deep down.

“byzantine” ???

WTF are you talking about? Who uses the word “byzantine”?? Pedophilia is a condition. A person is only having thoughts. Molestation and rape are actions! If you’re oblivious to the term MAP or follow the false narratives then again, you need to educate yourself some more.

“My journey” is saying my life, now aware of, and experiencing my condition. Elliot is the Admin here. And he should really have something to say about why and what you’re trying to accomplish here? Except point things out like Chicken Little!

What word in that sentence? So you’re agreeing with the hijacked definition that “pedophilia” means the same as “predator”? Or someone who has offended?

That is EXACTLY what has been going on in the world! This is why these fascists are actively working to ban lolicon, dolls, and eventually all pornography. All in the name of “protecting children”, which is merely a vehicle for the religious zealots, moralists, and a “look at me and how righteous I am”; virtue signalers, moral flaggers, prideful, chest-beating, torch carrying, witch hunting, fascist mob!

You’ve dragged this topic way off track with your ideas about things. Seems like you reside in the UK where fascists have already taken control.


apologies for not having been active for a while. You’re more than welcome to send a DM to me, any other staff member, or the moderation team as a whole

well do let you know if you remember because now I’m curious

I’m sorry I apparently started some form of argument amongst people with this post. I just wanted to share my personal experience with this matter is all.

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No, no you didn’t! I am trying to relate to you without deep diving my circumstances. Basically, I’ve reached the over 55 group and have zero prospects of anything ever. Especially having any kids of my own. A complete state of hopeless, loneliness due to the fact that women my age are repulsive to me! I will never sleep with a nasty, old grandma!

I’ve been putting a lot of effort in to get myself back into decent shape and health, it can be done! Men age so much better, especially if they put in some effort! Women can too, however, those types are rare. So the typical lazy woman who gets old and fat and blames being too busy and being a mom/grandma/auntie whatever, which is like 99% of them, puts hardly any effort in to stay at least halfway decent looking; is not on my menu of prospects. How much do you imagine that sucks?!

Still stuck in love at 10, things I can’t ever “get over” (shit like that isn’t a GD baloney sandwich! Therapy is for the birds! ), heartbroken a number of times over through the years, NOBODY my age I’m even the slightest bit interested in; knowing anyone younger will likely NEVER be interested in me. Also knowing, pursuing anyone under the age of say 30 is pointless, because they have no brain! …How much SUCK can a person take!!!

Please do not feel bad about anything. You did the right thing by coming forward and sharing your experiences, and see value in your outlets and experiences in the broader right against child sexual exploitation and abuse.


Ah fair enough.

I’m feeling much better now that I’ve actually expressed these feelings to others. I honestly thought it would terrify me, and for a moment I guess it did. But now I understand why these communities form, it’s so much easier to know you’re not alone. I also was out my anxiety meds at the time of that post so there’s another reason I was freaking out a bit, but that’s been taken care of and I feel so much better. Thank you again for listening