Pedophilic disorder and POCD comorbidity

[Giacobbe]

I know this place has seemed kinda dead for a while, I dunno how many of y’all are still around. Haven’t heard from @elliot in ages, for example. But fuck it, I guess I’ll ask my question anyways. Don’t know a better place to ask.

I’ve been in an extremely suicidally depressed mood lately. Intrusive thoughts about how I’m a horrible person who deserves to die in agony because of my fantasies. Projecting onto others my own insecurities and slipping into my “anti” mood. That slipping up and acting on it is inevitable and I need to kill myself before it happens. Etc. Ergo, I am a sufferer of pedophilic disorder, defined as when a pedophile is unable to cope with their being a pedophile (engaging in risky/illegal behaviors, experiencing shame and self-loathing related to their sexuality, etc.). I am an actual pedophile. I’ve never put my hands on anybody, and I intend on keeping it that way. But yes, my attraction is real and not some trick of the mind. Tho, note that this is self-diagnosis. I am not “officially” a sufferer of pedophilic disorder.

POCD is when a person experiences intrusive thoughts about being a pedophile. Most people with POCD aren’t actual pedophiles, they lack any attraction towards prepubescent children. But their mind can trick them into it, make them think something that isn’t true. They’ll compulsively/obsessively engage in risky/illegal behaviors in order to “check” their “attraction”. Forcing themselves to masturbate while thinking about children and then having a mental breakdown when they inevitably get aroused (“see!? I got hard! It’s proof that I’m an actual pedophile!”). Even though the thought of having sexual contact with children disgusts them completely, their OCD-addled brains will trick them into thinking that this is what they actually want.

I browsed the forum just now and stumbled on this comment by @Pseudo_53:

Safeguarding & MAP Support Club

This is easily explained by research that is now five years old (APA PsycNet): [Internet study 2016 results 2] Pedophilia, the attraction, is not a diagnostic term - pedophilic disorder is, and pedophilic disorder is not the attraction itself, but the distress one may or may not feel from having the attraction. MAP Support Club operates by very clearly identifying right at the beginning of the process to allow people space to describe why they believe they are attracted to minors, and while…

@Pseudo_53

Having POCD doesn’t mean that person’s a pedophile, and it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t a pedophile either. It just means they have an obsession about being a pedophile which they attempt to ameliorate in some way with compulsions.

The dialogue of

" You don’t have POCD , you’re just a pedophile"

And

“You’re not a pedophile, you just have POCD”

Doesn’t make any sense for that reason.

This got my own brain a-percolating. I have intrusive thoughts about being a monster just because I’m a pedophile. Is it really possible that a person can have POCD and be a legit pedophile? Note that I’m not diagnosed with OCD. While I shouldn’t self-diagnose, I’ve come to strongly suspect that I at least exhibit numerous symptoms of POCD. I’ve chatted with @elliot about the possibility, and while he suggested I seek a professional’s opinion, my habits indicate a non-zero likelihood that I suffer from OCD intrusive thoughts. I will at least note that I am officially diagnosed with Asperger’s/high-functioning autism (tho this information is outdated, as the terms “Asperger’s” and “high-functioning autism” have been retired since my diagnosis in 6th grade (2010-2011). Should I seek a re-diagnosis?). How common is it for people with autism to also be OCD?

Er, sorry for the rambling. But yeah, what do y’all think? I know that y’all ain’t medical experts or anything, but lemme know. Is it possible for pedophilic disorder and POCD can indeed be comorbid?

Final question that popped in my head just now: what’s the epidemiology of pedophilia vs. pedophilic disorder vs. POCD?

I also posted this to r/POCD. So we’ll see how that goes:

https://www.reddit.com/r/POCD/s/xRqMUdWofG

Edit: bringing this up because @Liko_Flame brought it up: I am not exclusively attracted to children. I am very much attracted to people my own age. I simply tend to fixate and obsess over children due to the potentially problematic nature of this attraction.

[MindfulMAP]

I may be mistaken, but I believe OCD in general is related to a chemical imbalance in the brain. And I believe there is at least one new medication on the market that positively reduces the symptoms (compulsive thoughts/behaviors). I am a firm believer in ‘better living through prescription medication!’) There is nothing inherently wrong with being attracted sexually to children. Society deems it unacceptable, but society deems many things unacceptable. I can understand anxiety/fear related to accessing/consuming csam, because of the possible (disproportionately negative) consequences. And I don’t recommend anyone access/consume csam. The reality is that all humans are not all good or bad. We’re a mix on any given day. Personally, I accept my pedo sexuality, try not to dwell on it too much, act with kindness towards friends, family and strangers, and enjoy the good things in my life each day. I wish the same for you.

[Liko_Flame]

Probably totally self serving but…
First. The fact that your thoughts bother you makes me think you are not in danger of offending. It indicates that you are making the distinction that trying to enact those scenarios would be wrong.
Now if you find yourself on a playground eyeing little kids with bad intend or constructing your own personal sex dungeon… seek help. This is joke…mostly. Seriously though, if you are not making plans on how to make those intrusive thoughts (IT) a reality I think you will be fine. As in not becoming a potential perpetrator but rather having POCD only. I mean, intrusive thought, high anxiety about offending, rumination. That sounds like the very definition of.
Second, that is totally personal but for me it helped to use sublimation: in particular writhing stories regarding my taboo dreams. It sounds counterproductive, right? Why engage in retelling something that brings me distress? Well, my intrusive thoughts/dreams are spontaneous, involuntary and action (verb) focused: grab, force, strike… When I sit down to write it out I fill in details about the setting and situation. As in I have a conscious control over the narrative and not just experience spontaneous unwanted thoughts. And that takes the focus off the sexual events. It also helps me understand better what may have triggered the IT in the first place. Now note that you do not need to share those stories with anyone. Or may be only with a medical professional if you so choose that route. Also I found that at the beginning writing stories that are set in impossible to happen settings help distance myself from the distressing elements: think re-framing the story to be set IN SPACE, historical or fantasy. Also may be try to make your Protagonist (stand in proxy) somewhat different then real YOU- in age, gender, appearance etc.
Third. Self analysis is hard. My own interpretation of my writhing was that I am bothered that child abuse is a thing. Closest term I found is righteous indignation- nothing that has happened to me per se, but offend me on fundamental level that its even exist to begin with.
In essence I do not want to deny that bad things happen, but to deal with the negative emotions I engage in (re)telling stories that have a better outcome. As in my Mary stew ass makes the situation better. And I know that those stories are unrealistic and overly optimistic, still helps me process the emotions by writing in a happy end.
Aside: I also found that in the process of writing I do some research to better understand victims potential traumatic responses. Again, why depress myself? Well, one it helps me put concrete issues that could happen as a result of abuse- I find that better then having a nebulous indescribable “badness”. Then I could read on how those issues are to addressed and try to incorporate that in my stories. For example, food insecurity. Character starts food hording due to nearly starving before being rescued- they hide food all around the house (which often spoils and attract pest), save food for “latter”, “steal” food in the middle of the night etc. Suggestions to threat this include: regular meals, making eating together an experience, involving the child in food preparation etc.
Sorry for being long winded… I wanted to demonstrate how writing helped me feel better: take a bad situation of neglect or abuse; break down what terrible consequences that can have; address how those could be ameliorated.

Even if the above is not helpful here are some other hopefully hopeful thoughts: Some research in sexual orientation postulate that it is a sliding scale- as in MAPs can be no exclusive. You may try to ask yourself, what exactly attracts you? Innocence? Naivete? Particular tanner stage body look? It is rare but all those can be present in legal age people. In other words, since a child is not a valid (moralistically and legally) target for relationship may be you can try or think about getting with someone who is child like- but still can give legal consent. There is also ageplay, and by that that I mean getting off by acting out taboo sex scenario with a consenting adult. Turning something that was distressing you into something you can (legally) enjoy? Just a though.

[Giacobbe]

@Liko_Flame

Some research in sexual orientation postulate that it is a sliding scale- as in MAPs can be no exclusive.

The vast majority of MAPs are non-exclusive. I myself am not exclusively attracted to children. I am very much attracted to people my own age. I simply tend to fixate and obsess over children due to the potentially problematic nature of this attraction.