So some of you may have seen a few of my posts here. I will say a bit about myself.
I am 28, live in the US, and I like lolis, cubs, and plush animals. I buy them dresses and little clothes to play as if I take them off from them, or just keep em on. Anyways…
I remember back in 2011, or 2012, I was in a furry group where they banned any porn, and someone mentioned that liking certain characters who were young was pedophilia. That made me curious as to the legal status of fictional porn depicting young characters. So I stumbled on the wikipedia article, and checked the US section. It described the CPPA, the Ashcroft stuff, and how fictional porn depicting minors was legal and protected so long as it was not obscene. I even looked up the Miller test and thought “so it has artistic value, as it is art, therefore it’s protected, hence why I see it everywhere on the web!” I also read about the PROTECT Act of 2003, of the relatively new onscenity law, and the cases. No big deal from what I remember, as I thought “well, it’s obscenity, and these images are art, so I am good.”
This is where it begins. Fastforward to 2013. I stopped thinking about obscenity law because back then I didn’t make a big deal about it. Then during an anime club meeting, someone said that lolicon was illegal. I said no way! It is legal, it’s all on wiki! After that day, I went to check, and still saw the same thing I had seen before, but something changed in me that made me see it on a different light. As weird as it sounds, one day not too long afterwards, I got the FBI virus screen that says my computer is locked as I broke the law. I panicked. I read that the cause might have been child porn, or other offenses. Then I thought of what the anime club guy said, and panicked even more. I even went to check the window, and sure enough, my inflated imagination got the best of me. There was a black truck parked near my house, a truck I didn’t remember seeing before.
“Are they here for me?” I thought to myself. I went to check the child porn law, and it said clearly that drawings and cartoons are not included, and I saw the affirmative defence. I then thought the FBI thing could be a virus, researched something about it, and indeed, it is a virus and nothing else. But inside me, the damage had already been done.
I began reading the wikipedia article on the legal status of fictional porn again, and saw the cases, and felt different about them as I had said before. “What if this is actually illegal?” I remember thinking. “What if I read everything wrong?”
I began feeling watched as the end of 2013 approached. I remember at college, there was a security guard lady. I remember thinking that to get reassurance I was not doing anything wrong, I should smile and wave at her and see her response. When I did so, she just stared at me and kept walking, not saying anything. That made me afraid. “Now they know I might have broken the law…” I read about Whorley and Handley again. And for some reason, I felt like their cases proved that loli was illegal in the US. I think I ignored the whole “is obscene” part of it, and kept thinking that the new law contradicted Ashcroft.
It all culminated when one morning I was driving to college. I did not notice I was driving 10km/h faster than the limit, and an unmarked vehicle began following me. The sirens turned on, and I entered panic mode. “Oh shit! They will arrest me for loli!” I foolishly kept driving, as I was already close to school. Then another police car joins! Holy shit! I thought. They really will get me for loli! Then I parked at school, saw the police cars park as well, got off the car, and the cops did as well.
“Put your hands on the car!!!” One cop yelled at me. I thought, “this is it, I am going to jail”. The cop asked me why didn’t I stop the car. I told him that I didn’t know he was a cop. He asked me, skeptically “well, what do you think I was?” I said I thought he was someone impersonating an officer. He nodded and told me I was driving too fast, and that I shouldn’t have gotten off the car, that that scared him because he thought I was fleeing because I had drugs, so he got to inspect my car, found nothing, gave me a ticket, and that was that. I was still so scared by the whole thing. When I saw the ticket, I overthought everything. I read something about going to jail and what not, and it psyched me out. So I would call the police station constantly asking for reassurance. It came to the point where the receptionist would laugh and sound annoyed while telling me for the nth time I would not go to jail, that it was just a ticket. So I did the driving course, paid the ticket, and that was it.
So more damage was done. All of these incidents made me so scared that I began deleting all the young-looking cartoon porn I had. I thought I might still be screwed. Part of me still wanted to look at loli, but I didn’t want to go to jail. So I suffered a lot without being able to look at loli. It wasn’t so bad as I also enjoy adult characters, but it bothered me that I didn’t feel as free as before to look at characrers that were younger. I wasn’t hurting anyone! It’s just a drawing! I am not into real kids at all! But I internalized the whole “it’s illegal” bs so much that I even began trying to convince myself that those drawings would cause me to do something if I saw them. So I used this to further keep myself away from the material. Then I wondered about stuffed animals. Some look young, what if they think they represent minors? That winter of 2013-2014 was bleak. I was still paranoid. I even got jury duty on the mail, and because I didn’t know what it was, I got scared and thought it was a warrant, even thought I have never seen a warrant and that was the first time I got called to jury duty. The state seal intimidated me, that’s what it was. I also remember this guy during my bio lab, who was wearing a jacket that said “CBP Explorer”. I looked at him, and he stared back, even after I had turned away and turned to look at him. That also scared me.
To make a longer story short, I was paranoid. I felt like I was doing something wrong even thought I was just looking at fiction, material that now I know is not illegal.
How did I get to this point? It was very slow, it took a lot of reading, and a lot of time. Now I understand what obscenity is much better, and know not to psych myself out as bad. I look at lolis and cubs without guilt.
What do you think? Was this “it’s illegal” thing caused by my own overthinking? What do you think happened to make me feel paranoid?