Anniversary effect hitting me hard. August 5th, 2021, I attempted suicide at age twentytwo, one of several attempts over the last decade. It was my most serious attempt yet, and only failed because I don’t know how to properly use a gun. When this attempt failed, I entered a frenzied state and slashed at my left forearm with scissors, making thirteen bloody cuts. My earliest sexual memories’re from when I was age five and things only got worse from there. I wasn’t molested or groomed, it was aberrant instinct. I was only five, and here I was wishing to perform oral sex on boys and men for no other reason than deviant instinct!
I’ven’t been diagnosed, but I believe myself hypersexual. I masturbate every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. And my interests are cursed and go far beyond what’s considered normal, even my MAP standards. I first started masturbating to Internet porn when I was still in elementary school, and the Internet slowly but surely introduced me to interest after interest. It might be easier to say what DOESN’T turn me on!
I also first became aware of atrocities such as rape when I was only five, and I first became suicidal at age thirteen. It was during this time when I realized freewill’s a cruel illusion, life’s absolutely and totally meaningless, and I’m more than likely to commit crimes sooner or later. Even in my youth, I felt my life was already over. Fuck, I still feel this way. I’ve been wallowing in self-pity, self-loathing, misanthropy, nihilism and madness for a decade now. It’s true what y’all say: such negative feelings only makes MAPs feel hopeless, worthless, and desperate. There’re many, many times when I just wanna give in to my urges. I hate it, I hate this, I wish I could force everyone in the world to live with this, even just a little while, so they know EXACTLY what it’s like to live with a brain like mine!!!
I don’t wanna hurt anybody, I just wanna be normal. Fuck anyone who’d deny me this.
Thank you, Prostasia, for providing discussion and comfort to me. It was half a year after my suicide attempt that I discovered this place via MapSupportClub. Thank you.