Thank you, Prostasia

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Anniversary effect hitting me hard. August 5th, 2021, I attempted suicide at age twentytwo, one of several attempts over the last decade. It was my most serious attempt yet, and only failed because I don’t know how to properly use a gun. When this attempt failed, I entered a frenzied state and slashed at my left forearm with scissors, making thirteen bloody cuts. My earliest sexual memories’re from when I was age five and things only got worse from there. I wasn’t molested or groomed, it was aberrant instinct. I was only five, and here I was wishing to perform oral sex on boys and men for no other reason than deviant instinct!

I’ven’t been diagnosed, but I believe myself hypersexual. I masturbate every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. And my interests are cursed and go far beyond what’s considered normal, even my MAP standards. I first started masturbating to Internet porn when I was still in elementary school, and the Internet slowly but surely introduced me to interest after interest. It might be easier to say what DOESN’T turn me on!

I also first became aware of atrocities such as rape when I was only five, and I first became suicidal at age thirteen. It was during this time when I realized freewill’s a cruel illusion, life’s absolutely and totally meaningless, and I’m more than likely to commit crimes sooner or later. Even in my youth, I felt my life was already over. Fuck, I still feel this way. I’ve been wallowing in self-pity, self-loathing, misanthropy, nihilism and madness for a decade now. It’s true what y’all say: such negative feelings only makes MAPs feel hopeless, worthless, and desperate. There’re many, many times when I just wanna give in to my urges. I hate it, I hate this, I wish I could force everyone in the world to live with this, even just a little while, so they know EXACTLY what it’s like to live with a brain like mine!!!

I don’t wanna hurt anybody, I just wanna be normal. Fuck anyone who’d deny me this.

Thank you, Prostasia, for providing discussion and comfort to me. It was half a year after my suicide attempt that I discovered this place via MapSupportClub. Thank you.

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Hopefully you are able to find mental health help. Were glad that prostasia can be place where we can support at risk people. And if you were to kill yourself you’d have let the antis win so, thats just another reason not too.

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Reminds me of this:

It’s actually good advice, to turn your sorrow into spite and use that as motivation to keep living and improving. Thanks, Satan! And thank you for the kind words, Freyr.

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I too hope you can find help for your feelings. Some of them are not that strange or abnormal. Once I learned about masturbation at 14, I was ripping one off every day or less. Teenagers are like. I continued it until I was in my 30s. Age does slow things down. As for MAP desires, I think about the harm that it would cause and that stops me. I don’t want to hurt any kids. I read stories, look at drawings and 3D CGI and I fantasize. A LOT. Helps me control those urges. You can do it and we are here to assist. Hang in there, baby.

hang in there
hang in there1361×1321 334 KB

A little something from my youth, back in the 60s.

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Thank you, Larry. I’m glad there’re folks like you for support. I myself hope to also support others.

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Dunno, I feel like over time that just turns you into a bitter, cynical and rather lonely person. And bitterness is just another mental health problem, hard to get rid of and ultimately just as self-destructive as depression.

While it’s easier said than done I think it’s better not to live for or against other people, but to find things that make you happy, go your own way through life (which may or may not involve others) and to realize that other people’s opinions about you don’t really matter all that much. It does not matter if everyone on this planet agrees that you are a bad person, this does not make you a bad person - the only person that can make you a bad person is yourself.

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I first became aware of rape, murder, etc., when I was only five years old, and I just could never get it out of my head how unfair it all is since then. For many years, every waking moment I spent was thinking about how cruel and disgusting the world really is. When I first sought therapy at age thirteen, I confided in my therapist my feelings on rape and murder: they happen all the time, literally every second (even as you read this, it’s happening somewhere in the world…), and realizing I could do absolutely nothing to stop it, this knowledge broke me. From a young age, I realized life’s inherent cruelty, and it utterly RUINED me.

So please understand, I haven’t a positive bone in my body. Happiness is likely impossible for me, someone who cares so much but can only do so little. I grew up with a warm bed and a public education while so many others my age across the world had to instead contend with famine and war. A child as young as I was should never be burdened with this knowledge.

He Who Increaseth Knowledge Increaseth Sorrow

If I cannot be happy, I’ll instead be angry and depressed. And I’ll use these emotions as motivation to keep fighting for what I believe in until my last breath.

Sorry to be so melodramatic, but when such thoughts have been thundering within your brain for the vast majority of your life, you tend to become a very dramatic person. Woe is me and all that.

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“Shared sorrow is lessened, shared joy is increased.” Spider Robinson, author.

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I don’t really like to rely on reassuring myself that I’m not a bad person, because I feel like that could easily slip into being willfully blind to the ways I might be hurting people because I fear for my self image

What’s helped me was believing that from a utilitarian point of view, the concept of ‘deserving’ is a load of bull. Even if you’re a terrible person, there’s no point in you suffering just because you ‘deserve it’; unless you suffering somehow prevents more suffering (e.g. via deterrence), all else being equal a world where you’re okay has higher utility than a world where you’re suffering or dead.

Granted I haven’t been exposed to that level of darkness quite as young as you, but I can be angry and depressed as well as happy; in fact I think I experience higher highs than most ‘normal’ people - light shines brighter in the dark and all that. I guess what I’m getting at is, it’s possible to have something positive in your life while also having a lot of negativity, even if the positive part is just a sense of satisfaction from fighting for what you believe in ^^;

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