Tired of this shit I just want to feel normal

[Giacobbe]

It’s like looking in a mirror…

I’ve told bits of my personal history elsewhere on this forum, namely:

Can porn exacerbate paraphilia?

Forewarning: personal anecdote not based on science. I made this to generate discussion that could help me learn about myself. Might go a bit TOO descriptive and personal. Apologies in advance. I was exposed to porn at a tender age (8 years). Currently 22 and have since developed an immense array of odd and problematic fetishes and fascinations. I’m not going to claim that porn turns kids into perverts (was already interested in sexually maiming and humiliating others before my first exposure; …

And:

Thank you, Prostasia

Anniversary effect hitting me hard. August 5th, 2021, I attempted suicide at age twentytwo, one of several attempts over the last decade. It was my most serious attempt yet, and only failed because I don’t know how to properly use a gun. When this attempt failed, I entered a frenzied state and slashed at my left forearm with scissors, making thirteen bloody cuts. My earliest sexual memories’re from when I was age five and things only got worse from there. I wasn’t molested or groomed, it was abe…

But the short of it is that I feel that I’m in a similar boat to you. Mid 20s, still a virgin, struggling with sexual thoughts towards children. From what you describe, perhaps you suffer from an extreme form of POCD, whereas I’m a true blue pedophile. Not that it makes much difference to outsiders looking in…

Listen to @Chie, you are most certainly not alone. I want to be normal too. I want to have a normal life, to be a normal person. But Fate has different things in store for all of us. Keep staying away from CP/CSAM and focus your masturbation habits on legal/fictional outlets. Don’t beat yourself up over fapping to lolicon. The lolis aren’t real, and both their pleasure and their pain are just an illusion. I admit, I look at some freaky (albeit legal) stuff, and I make myself feel sick to my stomach. I feel like a monster sometimes! But as long as nobody’s hurt or tricked, there’s no logical reason to be that upset.

Be strong, Friend. If your current therapist isn’t helping, find a new one if you can. And if you don’t feel comfortable/safe sharing your troubles with your family and friends, then don’t. They don’t have the right to know what goes on in your head. That’s your business, not anybody else’s unless you want it to be.

I do wish your friends wouldn’t say such things as “pedos deserve to be killed!” 1. Pedos ≠ molesters, 2. You can’t make rape go away by killing all the rapists. In fact, it’s been proven that harsh punishments tend to have the opposite effect: areas with the death penalty generally have higher rates of violence compared to other areas. Harsh punishments encourage silence, destroying evidence, and eliminating witnesses. There’s no incentive to come clean if you’ll be killed for what you’ve done…

Being a pedophile/POCD doesn’t mean you can’t live a fulfilling life. With a family, without a family; with kids, without kids. Whatever works best for you, you deserve to feel safe, free, and joyful. I wish you the best.

Sincerely, Giacobbe/Jacob.