Tired of this shit I just want to feel normal

[jfcsomeonehelpme]

Im in my mid twenties and want to fucking kill myself. I have watched CP(not anymore nor I want to) and manga drawings(ocassionally and still makes me feel guilty) and makes me want to die. Im attracted to legal women but not so much now I think, I used to be really attracted to them when I was a teen wtf happened there? Im a virgin too at first I thought it was just sexual frustration that make search for more taboo stuff and that once I had sex all of these things would go away but now Im not sure, maybe it’s forever.

I have told my parents and they were supportive(maybe they are in denial), my mom said its something I need to learn to live with it. But I dont want to fucking live with it, I want to be normal. I want to be happy, to have a family have a gf and raise a kid to be better than me(sounds like a bad idea I know but its something I always wanted). But it seems like it’s impossible. If I ever manage to have a couple should I confess to her? In the end trust is everything If I can trust her with this, would I be living a lie?

I have friends too, they don’t know about this and they certainly hate pedos too. Makes my heart hurt knowing im lying to them. Would they hate me? Would they understand me? I see people on the street and they all look so normal and then I see myself and all I see it’s a freak, someone who shouldn’t exist.

I also have OCD and this shit is in my my mind 24/7 shit is so tiring(could all of this be in my head? could it be that im actually not a pedo and it just sexual frustraion amd ocd just playing tricks on me?) I shouldn’t have to spend my twenties like this, I want to pick a bunch of screwdrivers and scramble my brain until it becomes normal. I want to die but Im scared of dying, my family would be devastated too.

They say there is no cure for this, why? why there it can’t be? It’s the only cure death? My only reason to live now it’s to not make my family sad. Beyond that I just want to sleep all day and not think about anything.

I have self control, I can’t control my thoughts but I can control my actions, I have never touched someone and I don’t like hurting people, that’s not the issue for me. I just don’t want to have this attraction period. I don’t want to die sad and alone, I want to be normal, I want real human conections but it seems I can’t even have that.

PD: I’ve been visiting a therapist and told him all of this, he was understanding but I don’t feel like it’s helping much and yesterday I fapped to lolicon and now I feel like shit.

Closet things to sexual abuse I’ve suffered was my babysitter touching my balls once in a while but I don’t think that traumatized me.

[LegalLoliLover1]

Whenever I play as a vampire in games, I mock the idea of a “cure”, so naturally, I feel no guilt either. Are you more worried about your personal guilt or the opinions of others?

[jfcsomeonehelpme]

Both. I used to feel no guilt at first but as I got older and got to know more people it dawned on me how fucked I was for being like this. I have OCD too so this shit is constantly in my mind telling me how everyone would hate me if they knew( my best friends say pedos should be executedsince they have no cure all of this out of fucking nowhere mind you I have never brought up the subject, they both also have younger sisters so go figure their reaction if I told them). My family accepted it but they think it’s just my OCD since it runs in the family and my brother thought he was gay.

[LegalLoliLover1]

See. Some people can’t do this, but I have a perfect counterview for those people. “Those outside of the Cunny Clan shouldn’t be viewed as people.” In other words, you’re too concerned with the opinions of the muggles, of the kine, of the n’wahs. I can quite easily look down on the masses, like a vampire hiding among mortals. Of course, I actually like being a “monster”.

[jfcsomeonehelpme]

Ok but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I have tried and I felt miserable. I value my friends and I love them. I also mentioned how I want to raise a family too in the future but how could I do that? It all feels hopeless

[elliot]

Do you experience attractions to children? It wasn’t entirely clear from your post, since not everyone who views CSAM or kodocon does, but if you do, you might want to check out MAP Support Club, which is a partner of Prostasia’s. They’re better set up to provide support (though obviously you’re welcome to continue talking to people here).

There’s no reason that this needs to prevent you from having the future you want. Many people with those attractions raise families and form long-lasting friendships and relationships with others. There are some difficult decisions regarding who to tell and when, but they don’t have to stop you from pursuing that life.

Separately, I’ll add that there’s no reason to feel guilty for viewing fictional content. There’s a lot of stigma and dumb legislation surrounding it, but it’s not harmful and may even play a role in preventing abuse (and it serves an important therapeutic role for some abuse survivors).

[Chie]

@jfcsomeonehelpme

and manga drawings(ocassionally and still makes me feel guilty)

Please do not feel guilty or associate stress with fictional outlets, they’re not designed to cause stress, but alleviate this.
Unlike actual CP, these carry with them no risk of harm or abuse, and that artifice is baked directly into the appeal.

This is something that worries me about MAPs dealing with not feeling ‘normal’, but please understand that there is no such thing as ‘normal’. Everyone is unique and has their own quirks and means of coping or expressing them.

That being said, please consider referring to the MAP Support Club if you’re in need of community support, I’m sure they would love to be of assistance to you.

You are not alone. You are not a monster. You are human.

[korrupt72]

Imagine a future a few years from now where you’ve achieved balance and are doing alright, but are still stuck with the username “jfcsomeonehelpme”.

That’d be pretty funny.

[Chie]

I think people can change them? Or request them, I’m sure myself or @elliot could help.

[jfcsomeonehelpme]

I also made a reddit thread about it and some user got really upset, reddit also deleted my comments and accounts so I had to use several
https://www.unddit.com/r/confessions/comments/114va48/my_sexual_fantazies_are_killing_me_inside/
https://www.unddit.com/r/TimeToBeHeard/comments/114wd1l/pedophile_outs_himself_admits_to_watching_cp_user/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

what do you think? I would be lying if I said I feel like don’t deserve this hate but at the same time I kinda do. I mean how can I blame people for hating pedos? Im playing the victim here? I am a shitstain? is it fair thet they get angry? I feel like a serial killer asking support in a group of serial killers(no offense). I feel like im in a breaking point.

[Chie]

Okay… As someone who has OCD, please, the first thing you need to do is take stock of yourself and calm down.

You’ve already said that you don’t consume real abuse material, which is good. That’s good. That actually harms people.

You’ve already demonstrated that you have self control over your actions, now what you need to do is take control over your feelings. Constrain them and break down the associations they have with stress and try to compartmentalize them in such a way that does not cause stress.

[LegalLoliLover1]

See. That’s the problem. You think them blameless just because of their fear and ignorance. My take? Simple:

There are no innocents anymore

Oftentimes, normie pain is my pleasure:

Ains vs Climb | Overlord IV

[elliot]

You can change your username under account settings

[elliot]

I think it would probably be best for you to stop putting thought into how other people feel. Human emotions aren’t logical and you’re only gonna stress yourself out if you try to apply logic to them. Focus on talking to people who can and will help and trying to get through the worst of the suicidal thoughts and OCD.

[Giacobbe]

It’s like looking in a mirror…

I’ve told bits of my personal history elsewhere on this forum, namely:

Can porn exacerbate paraphilia?

Forewarning: personal anecdote not based on science. I made this to generate discussion that could help me learn about myself. Might go a bit TOO descriptive and personal. Apologies in advance. I was exposed to porn at a tender age (8 years). Currently 22 and have since developed an immense array of odd and problematic fetishes and fascinations. I’m not going to claim that porn turns kids into perverts (was already interested in sexually maiming and humiliating others before my first exposure; …

And:

Thank you, Prostasia

Anniversary effect hitting me hard. August 5th, 2021, I attempted suicide at age twentytwo, one of several attempts over the last decade. It was my most serious attempt yet, and only failed because I don’t know how to properly use a gun. When this attempt failed, I entered a frenzied state and slashed at my left forearm with scissors, making thirteen bloody cuts. My earliest sexual memories’re from when I was age five and things only got worse from there. I wasn’t molested or groomed, it was abe…

But the short of it is that I feel that I’m in a similar boat to you. Mid 20s, still a virgin, struggling with sexual thoughts towards children. From what you describe, perhaps you suffer from an extreme form of POCD, whereas I’m a true blue pedophile. Not that it makes much difference to outsiders looking in…

Listen to @Chie, you are most certainly not alone. I want to be normal too. I want to have a normal life, to be a normal person. But Fate has different things in store for all of us. Keep staying away from CP/CSAM and focus your masturbation habits on legal/fictional outlets. Don’t beat yourself up over fapping to lolicon. The lolis aren’t real, and both their pleasure and their pain are just an illusion. I admit, I look at some freaky (albeit legal) stuff, and I make myself feel sick to my stomach. I feel like a monster sometimes! But as long as nobody’s hurt or tricked, there’s no logical reason to be that upset.

Be strong, Friend. If your current therapist isn’t helping, find a new one if you can. And if you don’t feel comfortable/safe sharing your troubles with your family and friends, then don’t. They don’t have the right to know what goes on in your head. That’s your business, not anybody else’s unless you want it to be.

I do wish your friends wouldn’t say such things as “pedos deserve to be killed!” 1. Pedos ≠ molesters, 2. You can’t make rape go away by killing all the rapists. In fact, it’s been proven that harsh punishments tend to have the opposite effect: areas with the death penalty generally have higher rates of violence compared to other areas. Harsh punishments encourage silence, destroying evidence, and eliminating witnesses. There’s no incentive to come clean if you’ll be killed for what you’ve done…

Being a pedophile/POCD doesn’t mean you can’t live a fulfilling life. With a family, without a family; with kids, without kids. Whatever works best for you, you deserve to feel safe, free, and joyful. I wish you the best.

Sincerely, Giacobbe/Jacob.