*Note: If this post gets deleted by a moderator/admin for whatever reason, so be it then.
Hi, it’s me, AgentColeBowl. Does anyone remember me? If not (or, you’re new here and don’t know me), then here are some posts that I made on my previous account:
I used to be pretty active on this forum, up until two months ago. As you can see in the posts above, the account name “AgentColeBowl” has been changed to “anon81903312”. No, I didn’t change it myself. Before I abandoned the account, I sent an email to Jeremy Malcolm saying that I wasn’t planning on coming back to the forum and that I wanted the account to be anonymized (I also said I wanted all the posts that I made to be deleted as well, but he said that wasn’t possible).
So, why did I leave without saying “goodbye”? Why did I leave in the first place? And why did I come back? Is anyone gonna actually bother reading a long (and pathetic) rant? Is this all just a waste of time?
Well, whatever. There are a lot of things I want to get off my chest. Feel free to ignore any of this.
1. Fear, paranoia and trust issues
When I first joined the Prostasia Forum at the end of October 2022, I was hesitant to call myself a lolicon, let alone a MAP. I did eventually accept that I was a lolicon and, shortly after, I realized that I was also a MAP. That came as a shock to me. Imagine this: You’ve been told all your life that “pedophiles are sick, disgusting and evil”, then one day you discover that you’re one of them. Wouldn’t that change your worldview, if only a little bit?
I wasn’t really all that surprised that I was a lolicon. Since I was about 8 years old, I’ve had fantasies involving nude fictional characters (minor and adult characters). As a sidenote, if you hadn’t seen the first post that I linked above, I started looking at porn when I was 14 and masturbating at 16.
Although I acknowledge that I’m attracted to girls and women between the ages of 4 and 40, when I first realized it, it felt kinda weird to identify myself as a “pedophile”, since I never really felt any sort of attraction towards children. Until…
Sometime after I joined the Prostasia Forum, I watched all five Twilight movies on TV (yeah, yeah, I know they’re terrible films, but I had nothing else to watch). One of the characters is a half-human, half-vampire hybrid named Renesmee Cullen, played by Mackenzie Foy, who appears to be a 7-year-old girl. Apparently, technical effects and CGI were used to make Foy look shorter in the films. Anyway, I found the character Renesmee to be… Pretty hot. It wasn’t part of my imagination, I was a pedophile, full stop!
Eventually, I decided to come out to my mother that I’m a pedophile (and that I wanted to one day move to the USA to legally view lolicon) since she was pretty much the only person in my life that I trusted with this information. I thought that it would make me fell better. Unfortunately, all she did basically was vomit her prejudice about pedophiles onto me, saying things like “pedophilia is a disease” and “if you weren’t my son and you had told me that you were a pedophile, I would’ve been pretty suspicious of you”. She also thought that since I fantasized about “nude underage female characters” that it was just a fantasy and that I may not actually be a pedophile. But, I knew myself better.
After that, I became increasingly more paranoiac and having more trust issues. It got to the point where I didn’t even want to log onto the Prostasia Forum anymore, mainly because I felt like I had said too much about myself and felt paranoid that my ISP might be looking too much into what I’m doing online.
On a totally unrelated note, I’ve been using ProtonVPN to look at lolicon online.
2. Incestuous feelings
All right, so, I have a confession to make. I have an incest fetish. I don’t care if you feel grossed out by that.
You see, I used to have a sister. While we enjoyed spending time together (as many siblings do), deep down I hated her for a long time, but I could never figure out why I had these feelings of hatred towards her.
Several years ago, I’ve had a series of dreams (about ten of them) in which I was having sex with my sister (or, at least, found her attractive). At first, I was scared and confused because deep down I hated her and I felt like these dreams came out of nowhere. These dreams made me question my sanity and I started fantasizing about her. I couldn’t understand why this was all happening.
I told my mother about these dreams, but all she basically said was: “Maybe it’s because your sister is the only girl you’ve ever spent a lot of time with”. Then, she suggested I go buy some porn magazines (which was a bit redundant since I had been masturbating to online porn for years by this point, but she obviously didn’t know that).
But, you know what? I’ve had crushes on multiple girls at (elementary, middle and high) school over the years. There had to be another explanation that just “you gotta spend time with another girl”.
After researching and reading multiple studies and analyses, I’ve come to the conclusion that my hatred towards my sister was because of society’s incest taboo. Since I couldn’t “love” her, I suppose I couldn’t show her my true feelings, leaving only my hatred. Or, maybe I’m just a fucking dumb pedophile.
It should be noted that about a year after those dreams started, my “sister” came out trans, so this person is actually my brother. I’ve tried my best to support him. Since then, I’ve never had any incestuous dreams.
The incest fetish wasn’t just in regards to my sibling, but also in regards to fictional characters. To be more specific, I like brother-sister and father-daughter incest the most. Obligatory “Incest is wincest!”
3. Society and stigma
You might’ve heard of the meme that goes “We live in a society!”, which is from the 2019 Joker film (not actually said in the movie, it’s just inspired by it).
Jokes aside, I’ve grown to resent society. I’m tired of having to hide who I am to my family, friends, coworkers, etc. I’m tired of being forced to hide to not appear as a “monster”. My mother wants me to be a “happy productive member of society”. How can I? If I dare come out to anyone else, I might lose a hell of a lot.
Most people are either too dumb or too blind to understand things like “attraction to minors”, “pedophilia”, “MAPs”, “contact stances”, etc. Why should I keep working for the benefits of a society that would stigmatize/ostracize me if the truth got out?
4. THE END?
So, to that I say: Fuck all that shit! I don’t care if things will one day get better. There’s no way of knowing when that will happen. I don’t want to keep being forced to hide my true self for another (more or less) sixty years of my life.
I’ll just kill myself, plain and simple. I’ve already figured out the suicide method (I won’t say how though) and I’m planning on going through with it soon.
This post is as close to a suicide note as it can get (without actually being one), since I’m not planning on writing an actual suicide note.
5. Terminus
There’s probably a bunch of stuff that I forgot to include in this post, but whatever. There’s also some things that I didn’t include, since I felt like they weren’t really all that relevant.
If anyone actually bothered to read this post, I might respond to some comments or answer some questions. I can’t make any promises though.
'ing peoples comments so they dont feel ignored was really nice, I miss that 
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